Friday, December 30, 2011

New Year's predictions. 2012.

January: The Iowa caucus will be held. But the TV ratings on all the networks together will be less than the number of people who tune in to ESPN to watch the game between BCS # 12 Michigan and # 11 Virginia Tech.

February: Rick Perry's Presidential campaign will implode and he will bow out after he says at a debate, "I'm sure I could beat President, uh, President, ummm.. what's his name? Oops."

March: Super Tuesday primaries. Given a ballot that is limited to a choice between Mitt Romney and Ron Paul, Republicans in Virginia will head to Long John Silver's and vote for the shrimp basket with fries.

April: John Boehner will announce that the Republican caucus has agreed to support a deal negotiated between Mitch McConnell, Harry Reid and the Obama administration on a long term tax reform deal. The three of them will hold a joint press conference. After President Obama praises the work of the negotiators, Boehner will quickly step up, slap Obama on the back and cry, "APRIL FOOL!!"

May: Joe Arpaio's office will again be the subject of inquiry after it is found that due to the massive use of manpower involved in saturation patrols trying to find illegal immigrants, 400 murders have not been investigated. Joe will call the publication of the disclosures "politically motivated" and explain that the cases have been filed in the same cabinet as he files sex crimes cases. The round one.

June: The Chinese economy will go into a recession and the Chinese government will quickly pass a public works program to put people to work. Unfortunately, people who are used to working in factories making stuff out of cheap, bright colored plastic will cause more problems when they try to fill potholes the same way.

July: At the London Olympics, officials will announce a suprise steroid test. All weightlifting, sprinting and swimming events will all be canceled after all the competitors cite a sudden injury and withdraw from the competition.

---ALSO in July: Ron Paul will announce a third party run for President. In order to articulate his vision for America he will have banners printed up that say, "Ron Paul. 1912."

August: After a long battle going all the way to the convention in which Republicans wanting anybody but Mitt Romney make a last ditch effort to draft Harold Stassen's ghost, Romney will wrap up the GOP nomination. He will announce that Kim Kardashian is his running mate as he struggles to drum up interest in his campaign.

September: A new law will take effect in Arizona ninety days after the legislature passes and Gov. Brewer signs the bill mandating that all colleges and universities must allow anyone on campus to carry a gun, anyplace. It will however help ASU win the PAC 10 when running back Cameron Marshall carries a pistol in his waistband, announces that it has a hair trigger and opposing players are reluctant to tackle him.

October: North Korea's new Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, will need to be replaced after he visits a nuclear facility and asks, "And what is this button for?" Radiation, and Kim Jong Un, will drift in a cloud across the Pacific. Not to worry, the world will be introduced to Kim Jong Tyke, looking sharp in his new Mao jacket and military hat as the most dapper five year old in the picture.

November: Barack Obama will be re-elected as President. Mitt Romney will concede graciously. But the hot ticket for Washington reporters who don't get out much will be the Ron Paul party because-- well, let's say the 'refreshments' are more popular.

December: Emergency workers will be called to the U.S. Capitol building on Christmas Day when it is discovered that Eric Cantor's office has been packed full of coal overnight by Santa.

No comments: