Sunday, December 31, 2017
New Year's predictions 2018
January: Doug Jones will be sworn in as the new Senator from Alabama. He will have to dodge Roy Moore, who will run in and try to snatch the Bible off the table and administer the oath of office to himself.
February: Justin Timberlake will perform at Super Bowl halftime, fourteen years after the infamous 'wardrobe malfunction' in which he ripped Janet Jackson's outfit and exposed her breast. This time he will surprise people and invite Jackson back on stage, but this time, in this year of #TakeaKnee and #MeToo , when Timberlake tries the same thing again he will 'take a knee' from Janet to the nether regions.
March: The start of baseball season will include a pitch clock. A major scandal will erupt when the Red Sox get caught speeding up the clock when the Yankees are pitching. Donald Trump will send a tweet blaming Hillary Clinton and reminding people Massachusetts is a blue state, even if they do call their team the Red Sox.
April: The Trump administration announces that entry fees to National Parks will rise again, to well over a hundred dollars for top National Parks. When it is pointed out that this might make it too expensive for a family to visit Yosemite, White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders Huckabee says, "Well, then, they can go to Six Flags and see Yosemite Sam instead !"
May: A few months after passing a tax bill that raises the deficit, Paul Ryan and Marco Rubio will cite the skyrocketing deficit as a reason to cut entitlements (as they already have said they will.) Social Security payments will be cut only slightly for present retirees. Future retirees will be promised a t-shirt saying, "I paid thousands into Social Security but all I got was this lousy t-shirt." When somebody points out that immigrants are overwhelmingly young people who could help stabilize Social Security and Medicare, conservatives will drown it out with chants of "build the wall, build the wall."
June: Six months after moving the U.S. embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, citing reasons of 'convenience,' the Trump administration will announce they are moving our consulate with the Palestinian Authority to an abandoned oil platform off the coast of Louisiana, also citing 'convenience.'
July: The GOP effort to privatize Social Security by ramming it all through in a matter of days that began in May will fail in the Senate. Donald Trump will respond with a series of angry tweets attacking Hillary Clinton.
August: The record breaking drought continues around the southwest. In southern California and Arizona, mold is added to the 'endangered species' list.
September: The Trump administration will announce a solution to the Confederate Monument controversy. They will all be relocated to Puerto Rico to serve as windbreaks for families who are still living out in the open with no heat or shelter a year after Hurricane Maria. He will praise himself for helping bring 'a great success' to Puerto Rico.
October: The Mueller investigation issues a final report several weeks before the election, concluding that there is evidence that Russia was in close collusion with members of the Trump campaign to ensure Trump's election. Rather than indicating any concern about a foreign power being involved in our election, Republicans derisively criticize former FBI director Mueller and start wearing Putin masks at Halloween parties.
November: Democrats decisively win control of the House, many Governorships and despite the terrible Senate map, are able to pick up a 50-50 tie for control of the Senate. Trump sends out a tweet calling the election results 'fake news.'
December: On Christmas morning, the nation wakes up to find that the White House is buried under hundreds of tons of coal, with a reindeer poop on top of it. Donald Trump will blame Hillary Clinton.