Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Devil responds to Pat Robertson

credit to Jen Leist on facebook, who got this from William Schubert:

The Devil wrote a letter today to the Minneapolis Star-Tribune in which he takes issue with Pat Robertson's characterization of his role in the Haitian earthquake disaster.

The letter reads,

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, he's got a point. If the devil makes a deal with somebody he's got Hell to give them for it, why would he bother with keeping their great great grandchildren in poverty?

Small Men indeed who shrink the infinite and eternal to fit their own narrow view of what the world should be, and then go about trying to create that view themselves.

Jack Hampton said...

LMAO!

shrimplate said...

Haiti did make a deal with the devil, that demon being the countries and banks that held them to the loans they made to gain their freedom.

The devil is us.

Anonymous said...

The truth is that they did make a pact with the devil.

Now the significance you put on that pact I guess has to do with whether you believe the devil is real or not.

But it is one of Haiti's founding myths.

http://muse.jhu.edu/login?uri=/journals/small_axe/v009/9.2laroche.html

According to Haitian national history, the revolutionary war was launched on the eve of a religious ceremony at a place in the north called Bwa Kayiman (Bois Caiman, in French). At that ceremony on August 14, 1791, an African slave named Boukman sacrificed a pig, and both Kongo and Creole spirits descended to possess the bodies of the participants, encouraging them and fortifying them for the upcoming revolutionary war. Despite deep ambivalence on the part of intellectuals, Catholics, and the moneyed classes, Vodou has always been linked with militarism and the war of independence and, through it, the pride of national sovereignty.

So, yeah if there is a devil, Haiti made a pact with it. Might explain why even though Haiti and the Dominican Republic share the same island, the Dominican Republic has been far more successful.

sandyh said...

And Reagan's Voodoo Economics worked out well for us?

Eli Blake said...

Anonymous,

I do believe that there is a devil, however I do not believe that because someone sacrificed a pig 200 years ago is why people are suffering in Haiti today.

In fact, there are more Christians in Haiti today than there are voodoo practicioners, and the earthquake did not spare anyone (in fact among the victims was the Catholic archbishop of Haiti.)

The Haitian ambassador was pretty clear on the subject as well, taking offense even at the implication. The fact is that the Haitian slaves struggled and at the price of blood defeated and drove out the French. For reverend Robertson to suggest that it was Satan who did it for them is as offensive as, for example, if the archbishop of Canterbury were to suggest that the only reason why the Americans defeated the British army (which was after all the finest army of the mid-1700's) was because of Thomas Jefferson's exploration of alternative spiritualities.

As far as the Dominican Republic is concerned, it's always enjoyed advantages over its neighbor. Despite having about the same population, the Dominican Republic has enjoyed the lion's share of the arable land and resources of Hispaniola. It's also always been considered a Latin American partner while Haiti, as the product of a successful slave revolt was seen for decades after its founding as a threat and therefore shunned by the rest of the new world (the United States, for example didn't recognize Haiti until during our own Civil War when worries about a slave revolt were no longer relevant.) And heck, if it comes right down to it today the Dominican Republic is enjoying a new source of income-- so-called 'adult travel.' Like cockroaches, child molesters who have the means travel outside of the United States to countries where they can rape children and then scurry from country to country as the spotlight forces corrupt governments to crack down on them. Now that Cambodia and Thailand are cracking down they've moved to other places and the Dominican Republic is high on the list. I may do a blog post on that sometime.

Eli Blake said...

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that looking the other way while raking in cash from people who come to your country so they can rape children who are held as sex slaves is a lot closer to making a bargain with the devil than sacrificing a pig.

Just this man's opinion.